Argon’s Other Eye 5 - Take me south, pony!

No! No! This isn’t Amoratia Ruby’s ‘ Schtupped by the Centaur’ – it’s Brak the Barbarian: The Sorceress! Other barbarians have two syllable names, but that wasn’t barbaric enough for Brak, who trims things right down to the bare essentials. Until someone creates a savage warrior from the untamed north called Ak or W, Brak wins the mighty-thewed hero with the shortest name contest. Incidentally, Bra the Barbarian is a popular parlour game (on certain websites), similar to ‘Pin the tail on the donkey’, only with a sweaty berserker and a Gossard Everyday Lacey Plunge.

Anyway, Brak comes from a wild land of ceaseless, no-quarter struggle against both man and nature and has evil sexy sorceress problems – so far, so good. Unusually, Brak appears to be (or is on the way to becoming) a Christian, if the Nameless God whose symbol is a cross with arms of equal length and his Nestorians have anything to do with it, not that that has much influence on his behaviour. He is on his way to Khurdistan, to ask what the extra  ‘h’ stands for, fighting the Dark God Yob-Haggoth, an affectionate tribute to Yog Sothoth, on his way. He is light-haired and mahogany tanned, looking exactly like David Dickinson, except all he wears is a lion skin. Mmmm’h!

Warning: spoilers ahead, if you're bothered.

The sorceress in question has red hair, so you know she’s Evil from the get-go, rides around in a chariot pulled by a giant dog, an adorable fuzzy Bichon called Puffpuff with a cute polka-dot bow around its neck and is already in a relationship with a naughty wizard called Tamar Zed. Despite this, she spends most of the book flirting with Brak, the hussy, which makes Tamar jealous; Nordica Firehair chokes this off pretty quickly by threatening to withhold access to her charms, so he practices his enchantment spells on a shepherdess instead. She doesn’t want him either – poor Tamar! – so he throws both Brak and the Shepherdess into the very Freudian manworm pit. The man-worm dies, twitching and spurting, then there are actual bats out of hell, who are gone when the morning comes because Brak’s killed ‘em all! Nordica, having been turned down by Brak (who believes that True Love Waits), then has it off with a blacksmith – it is, apparently, the kind of experience a man dreams about but never - , so I don’t know whether it’s good or bad, but there you are. She’s having more fun than the barbarian is, that’s for sure, even if he does have an amusing joke to tell Tamar.

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Yob-Haggoth!

Yob-Haggoth who?

Yob-Haggoth A Clue what I’m talking about!

Not that amusing, then.

Brak is, manly name notwithstanding, a bit of a crap barbarian. He manages to slay the man-worm, true, but that’s more or less it – he gets knocked unconscious three times, only once with spearbutts, and only wins through the intervention of one of those ducks with machineguns, after which he throws PuffPuff (sorry, ScarletJaws) off some battlements, then his pony takes him south, where the bending is. I think we’d better draw a veil over what comes next.

I think, next time, I'm going to investigate Richard Kirk's Raven.

Argon’s Other Eye 4 – Have I Got Thews For You!

You’ve seen, I’m sure, those adverts for the Valkarthian Thewmaster® on QVC, but what are thews? According to the Oxford Etymological dictionary:

Thew. †Custom, Habit (OE): †(good) quality, virtue xiii: (pl.) bodily powers, physical endowments xvi. OE. Usage, conduct.

So now you know. Whatever they are, Thongor’s got mighty ones and splendid ones, oh yes he do, as befits a hero of an epic fantasy saga set in a LAND BEFORE TIME. The land in question is Lemuria, one of those lost continents that led Theosophists to some very odd conclusions in the last century but one (and probably still does) and the saga is a mash-up of Conan and the adventures of John Carter, following as it does the progress of a fresh-faced young barbarian from being the sole survivor of his massacred tribe to the heights of imperial glory. The Conan elements (barbarian capable of superhuman feats of endurance and strength, struggles against mysterious and malign magicians, career path (savage wanderer, thief, pirate, mercenary, king) are obvious, as are the Barsoomian influences (flying ships, slightly ridiculous mega-beasts, the redeeming love of a beautiful princess) . REH and ERB (REHERB!) were Lin’s favourite authors – he really, really loved them and wanted to combine them into something that expressed that love. It does come over, too, as does the fact that LC wants you to enjoy reading this stuff as much as he enjoyed writing it – that’s really what makes them such fun. The same thing is apparent in Andrew J. Offutt’s books.

Unlike the God-Emperor’s heroes (or John Jakes’, Gardner F. Fox’s, insert name of other Conan-a-like author here), however, Thongor is a one-woman man, once Sumia gets hold of him. Quite refreshing, really – nice to meet a barbarian with enough manly self-discipline to enable him to resist the hordes of tempting sorceresses, tavern wenches, dancing girls, etc., who must dog his every move. John Carter making his presence felt again, and jolly good too. However, since it isn’t 1912 any more, there are boobs (added as a spice rather than leaping out at you every couple of pages or so) – small boobs, though.

Amazing.

Sumia, who does stay clothed and upright most of the time, is more than capable of looking after herself, unlike (most of) Conan’s female acquaintances (Belit and Valeria excepted). Probably doesn’t have anything to do with it, but Lin Carter was married, unlike REH. Maybe that’s what lends Thongor’s home life the cheery aura of domestic contentment that makes his story the equivalent of a lovely hot, soothing mug full of barbarian-flavoured cocoa.

There are, of course, the usual run of names produced (seemingly) by throwing random syllables at a damp pig and seeing what sticks (Riding just behind the Sark’s zamph, the Daotar Barand Thor... Rearrange these words to make a well-known phrase or saying. Later on, Barand has an encounter with a Ca-Ca bird, or seagull). Standard stuff. LC’s language is also pretty high-falutin’, but that’s fine – a few archaic words and a bit of Hollywoode Olde Ynglisshe help to create atmosphere. Mind you, there is a deodath in the room, and that’s Our Hero’s name. Does it make you think of underpants? It does me, which perhaps says more about my mind than it does Lin Carter’s naming techniques (interestingly, thong UPs were first referred to in 1939, in case you were wondering). Thongor himself probably wears bearskin briefs; on the other hand...

“Ay am Thon-gawra, Thon-gaw’s twin sister. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me when I lifted up my magic BEEPBEEEPBEEPBEEPBEEEEEEEP”

I’ll leave you with that. As a bonus, an interesting attempt to make some sort of natural/historical sense out of Thongor’s Lemuria can be found here, with an RPG based loosely on the series available here. Enjoy!