Argon’s Other Eye 4 – Have I Got Thews For You!
You’ve seen, I’m sure, those adverts for the Valkarthian
Thewmaster® on QVC, but what are
thews? According to the Oxford Etymological dictionary:
Thew. †Custom,
Habit (OE): †(good) quality, virtue xiii: (pl.) bodily powers, physical
endowments xvi. OE. Usage, conduct.
So now you know. Whatever they are, Thongor’s got mighty
ones and splendid ones, oh yes he do,
as befits a hero of an epic fantasy saga set in a LAND BEFORE TIME. The land in
question is Lemuria, one of those lost continents that led Theosophists to some
very odd conclusions in the last century but one (and probably still does) and
the saga is a mash-up of Conan and the adventures of John Carter, following as
it does the progress of a fresh-faced young barbarian from being the sole survivor of his massacred
tribe to the heights of imperial glory. The Conan elements (barbarian capable
of superhuman feats of endurance and strength, struggles against mysterious and
malign magicians, career path (savage wanderer, thief, pirate, mercenary, king)
are obvious, as are the Barsoomian influences (flying ships, slightly
ridiculous mega-beasts, the redeeming love of a beautiful princess) . REH and
ERB (REHERB!) were Lin’s favourite authors – he really, really loved them and
wanted to combine them into something that expressed that love. It does come
over, too, as does the fact that LC wants you to enjoy reading this stuff as
much as he enjoyed writing it – that’s really what makes them such fun. The
same thing is apparent in Andrew J. Offutt’s books.
Unlike the God-Emperor’s heroes (or John Jakes’, Gardner F.
Fox’s, insert name of other Conan-a-like author here), however, Thongor is a
one-woman man, once Sumia gets hold of him. Quite refreshing, really – nice to
meet a barbarian with enough manly self-discipline to enable him to resist the
hordes of tempting sorceresses, tavern wenches, dancing girls, etc., who must
dog his every move. John Carter making his presence felt again, and jolly good
too. However, since it isn’t 1912 any more, there are boobs (added as a spice
rather than leaping out at you every couple of pages or so) – small boobs,
though.
Amazing.
Sumia, who does stay clothed and upright most of the time,
is more than capable of looking after herself, unlike (most of) Conan’s female acquaintances
(Belit and Valeria excepted). Probably doesn’t have anything to do with it, but
Lin Carter was married, unlike REH. Maybe that’s what lends Thongor’s home life
the cheery aura of domestic contentment that makes his story the equivalent of
a lovely hot, soothing mug full of barbarian-flavoured cocoa.
There are, of course, the usual run of names produced
(seemingly) by throwing random syllables at a damp pig and seeing what sticks (Riding just behind the Sark’s zamph, the
Daotar Barand Thor... Rearrange these words to make a well-known phrase or
saying. Later on, Barand has an encounter with a Ca-Ca bird, or seagull).
Standard stuff. LC’s language is also pretty high-falutin’, but that’s fine – a
few archaic words and a bit of Hollywoode Olde Ynglisshe help to create
atmosphere. Mind you, there is a deodath in the room, and that’s Our Hero’s
name. Does it make you think of underpants? It does me, which perhaps says more
about my mind than it does Lin Carter’s naming techniques (interestingly, thong
UPs were first referred to in 1939, in case you were wondering). Thongor
himself probably wears bearskin briefs; on the other hand...
“Ay am Thon-gawra, Thon-gaw’s twin sister. Fabulous secret
powers were revealed to me when I lifted up my magic BEEPBEEEPBEEPBEEPBEEEEEEEP”
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